First kiss:)

Tonight as I was playing with Nora and her Teddy bear on the floor she leaned in and gave me a real kiss...don't know when it will happen again so I wanted to remember the moment. This is a huge step in our attachment...my heart is happy.

What will they remember?

Last night after all the kids were tucked in bed with their ipods, lap tops, and psp's....I had a moment to think about our Christmas and the reoccuring thought was "what will they remember?" It is a thought that pops into my mind alot because I was so very blessed to have an amazing childhood, surrounded by family that cherished traditions and being together...as an adult I often struggle so hard with trying to recreate those traditons for my own children, I want so badly for them to look back and remember certain things so vividly that they feel they could reach out and touch them. The reality is that I will never know what they will choose to remember when they are adults, it is my hope that they will look back and remember a family that despite all of our faults and shortcomings we tried hard to create our own special tradtions...even if those traditions were different from my own.

The other day I was unpacking a ceraminc Christmas tree from it's box, the same box my Grandmother used for over 30 years to place it back in the attic and the smell of the box and the tissue paper instantly brought me back to being a child and helping her decorate and put away her decorations so carefully...I will bet that the tissue paper is the same and the newspaper was dated 1986...as I was standing in my garage putting the tree together I realized that it is not the tree that she made sure to wrap so carefully every year but more likely it was the importance of the memory that she was trying to preserve for her grandchildren...she was most likely thinking the same thoughts that I have been thinking, "how will my children and grandchildren remember me and am I doing enough to make sure they have memories to cherish?" What I have learned is it's the simple things we do without even realizing it that make their marks on our memories and in our hearts, it's the smell of old Christmas tissue paper, the beautiful plate with the small chip on the side that we put our Christmas cookies on...the worn out box that we tape over and over again to put the ornaments back into, year after year....we are all broken and chipped a little, a little worn out this time of year but it is the unwrapping of ourselves every year to share with others that we will remember, it is what I want my children to remember most, that when we give of ourselves is when we are the richest....Nora has just begun her journey with us in som many ways, her memories along with her siblings will belong only to them, and that is how it should be...they will have their own stories to tell and I hope their memories of Christmases past will fill them with a sense of love and comfort, just like that old box of tissue and newspaper does for me every year.

Happy New Year,
Kelly

Snuggled Up.

"Is that your kid?"

You have to love the honesty of children, it really makes you realize how quickly we lose that innocence and ability to speak whatever is on our mind...today I was picking up one of my children from school and there were two boys waiting for a ride home..Nora was busy toddling around the school and not being very cooperative with leaving...I could tell that one of the boys was staring at Nora and then back at me and finally when he couldn't hold it in anymore he asked.."hey, is that your kid?" So, my first thought, being an adul,t was that he was commenting on the fact that it looked like I was wrestling with her while trying to put her winter hat on...but then it hit me that most likely his comment had more to do with the fact that we looked different, very different and he was trying to put all the pieces of the puzzle together.

My reply came quickly, "yes this is my little girl" and I could tell there were more questions in his mind but his ride came and he ran off and part of me was relieved...it was really one of the first times (and there will be many) that I was confronted so honestly and openly about Nora looking different than me and I was questioned by a child which makes it even more complicated sometimes...I feel an amazing and at times daunting respsonsibility to be prepared to answer the questions not only for myself but for Nora as she grows older. In our preadoptive classes we took classes, role played, did online seminars but no one can truly prepare you for the candidness of the situations that you will be put in. Even though I look at Nora and see my daughter, I also see a child who doesn't have my eyes, or my skin tone or my haircolor...and I wonder how I am going to answer the tough questions from HER in the future...so I am thankful for that little first grade boy today who decided it was time I was faced with one of the toughest questions...but the answer came so easily for me...Yes, this is my child.

K

A Sister to Love

Somedays I wish I had a tape recorder (do they still make those??) in my car with me....I have found that some of the most interesting and funny conversations with my children happen when I am driving in my car. There are somedays when it is the most peaceful time of day for me, everyone is strapped in to their seats, no one is touching or poking (for the most part) and if I turn up the radio I can have somewhat of a quiet experience...but there are those days when it is really interesting to turn the music off and just listen to what happens.

Yesterday my son was eating his snack in the car, and what started as a very innocent comment made me think of how much my children have grown from this experience of adoption. Owen was stating how much he loved honey mustard and onion pretzels, not by choice the rest of us were obligated to enjoy his experience by the sound of him chewing and the smell of "seasoned" pretzels permeating the car..."Those pretzels are gross..." "That's not nice to say, it's being prejudice against pretzels..." "You can't be prejudice against a pretzel, it's food, you are prejudice against people, pretzels don't have feelings..." "well, still it's not nice." So this was my mini van tutorial yesterday, and it made me think of how becoming multi racial family has been such a growing experience for all of us. My older children ( I get tired of saying bio children because they are all my own...) have showed me time and time again how amazing the human spirit is and the how we have the capacity to love and accept if we open our hearts to it. On my tougher days I actually look to them for reassurance that all is okay in life, that Nora is exactly where she is meant to be. With us. With our family. There are days when the reality of adoption hits hard and I am apprehensive, nervous, and just plain unsure about what lies ahead for us and for Nora...there will be issues that I will not understand, issues that I have never had to deal with in my life...race and identity, adoption, loss of her birth family...this is difficult stuff but I know that Nora will have the support that she will need not only from her parents but most importantly from her siblings. They will be the ones to tell Nora her own story when is feeling lost, they will be her frame of reference to her childhood, no one else shares the same experience but siblings have a special perspective , there is no other relationship that compares.

I love witnessing the innocent, spontaneous interactions between my children, when one will pick Nora up and say, "I just love you, and I will forever and ever..." and then quickly moves on to the next thing....it is a gesture so sincere and heartfelt and I know Nora feels it. I have no doubt that her sister and brothers will be the ones to catch her when she falls, in every way...they will do their best to soothe the bumps in the road...there are times in life when only a brother or sister can understand the hurt.
If I had one hope throughout this entire journey, and I had many but my biggest hope was that my children would learn empathy for others, that this world is bigger than our community if we choose to open our eyes to it, to see the differences that exist and appreciate that we all have a purpose...some of us prefer honey mustard pretzels and that's okay.

Nora has taught us so much already, my children continue to teach me every day what it means to live.

K

Yeah for Emma!!

After weeks of waiting for the list to go up at school Emma finally announced that she made the musical Hairspray!
We are so happy and excited for her...can't wait to see the performance...we will have to wait a bit, it's not until April!!

Congratulations Emma Lou!

K

Baby it's cold outside!

The winter gifts from Nora's foster family arrived at the perfect time! Today the high was 21 degrees!! I am not ready for that kind of cold but now my kids are...I took a picture of Emma, Owen and Declan in their hats and scarves to send to the foster family...Nora was taking a much needed winter nap so she missed the photo shoot..however I was too chicken to try and take her coat off that she is napping in her coat so in a way she participated in the photo shoot!

Owen is making Christmas cookies, now if only someone could do my shopping for me...hmmmm.

K

are you done yet Mom?

Let It Snow...Nora is ready to go!

Today our mailman delivered the sweetest gift...I have had a close relationship with our mailman since we began our adoption journey almost three years ago..he has delivered many important documents to us from Immigration, our agency here and in Korea, and today he brought us a box full of Christmas gifts from Nora's foster family...it's amazing how excited I used to get over an envelope and now to open a box filled with so much love has completed our journey...although I know in my heart it is a journey that will never end.

Nora's foster family sent all of my children adorable hats and scarves along with a bright pink winter jacket for Nora and hats and scarves and hair bows..I know how expensive children's clothing is in Korea so this was so generous of them to think of all of us, but especially Nora. Nora went outside in the perfect winter weather to model her winter coat and I think it looks adorable on her!
She is too young to realize it now but we will always tell Nora how much she was and is loved by her foster family in Korea.

In so many ways the winter coat was the perfect gift because everytime Nora wears it she will feel her foster mothers arms around her.

Happy Winter!
K

Nora discovers the tree...

Dinner tonight=Cupcakes and Hot Chocolate

Yes, that was our dinner but what better way to spend your night watching the movie Elf? We were definitely eating a "Buddy the Elf" dinner and the best part was that Emma did it all! Today we put up our Christmas tree which is always a day filled with a little stress, for me anyway..this year it came in the form of "we don't really know where we are going to get our tree, let's just keep driving until we find a Christmas tree sign..." well, that's not really how I operate but I have learned to let go, a bit..and wouldn't you know, we ended up at a great tree farm with beautiful trees...it's amazing what happens when you let go, just a little.

Owen, my middle son was the most excited about getting the tree, he always is..he loves to help pick out the tree, carry it to the car and help Steve bring it in the house. Sometimes I forget that he is getting older, stronger and more willing to help and more importantly, happy to help..I still see him as that adorable, chubby cheeked little boy and the truth is that he is my little man now...and he takes that role very seriously. He was truly disappointed that the colored lights did not work after we untangled the mess ( I am not a very organized "putting away the lights" person...) so I said, "well, this year Owen we will just do white lights on the tree." I have to admit, I love simple, white, clear lights and I was not that disappointed that the colored bulbs bit the dust but I could see the disappointment in Owen's eyes and the words that came next sealed the deal.."what's Christmas for if kids can't have colored lights on their tree?" So, if you are a mom you know what I did next..yep, sunday night, ran to Walgreens and purchased 8 boxes of colored lights, how could I not?

As I was putting the lights up with Owen my thoughts were not of how much I am going to miss the white lights but rather how much I am going to miss when there is no one here to ask for the colored lights...so this year we have colored lights, on our tree, around the front door and lampost because after all, what would Christmas be without them?

K

"Yes, Virginia" Holiday Special Trailer

I could read this letter over and over again and the message is still new and ever so powerful.

This year I am choosing to believe more than ever.

Kelly

September, 1897
Dear Editor:
I am eight years old. Some of my little friends say there is no Santa Claus. Papa says,
"If you see it in The Sun, it's so." Please tell me the truth; is there a Santa Claus?
Virginia O'Hanlon
115 West Ninety-Fifth Street



Virginia, your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age. They do not believe except [what] they see. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little minds. All minds, Virginia, whether they be men's or children's, are little. In this great universe of ours man is a mere insect, an ant, in his intellect, as compared with the boundless world about him, as measured by the intelligence capable of grasping the whole of truth and knowledge.

Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. He exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy. Alas! How dreary would be the world if there were no Santa Claus! It would be as dreary as if there were no Virginias. There would be no existence. We should have no enjoyment, except in sense and sight. The eternal light with which childhood fills the world would be extinguished.

Not believe in Santa Claus! You might as well not believe in fairies! You might get your papa to hire men to watch in all the chimneys on Christmas Eve to catch Santa Claus, but even if they did not see Santa Claus coming down, what would that prove? Nobody sees Santa Claus, but that is no sign that there is no Santa Claus. The most real things in the world are those that neither children nor men can see. Did you ever see fairies dancing on the lawn? Of course not, but that's no proof that they are not there. Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders there are unseen and unseeable in the world.

You tear apart the baby's rattle and see what makes the noise inside, but there is a veil covering the unseen world which not the strongest man, nor even the united strength of all the strongest men that ever lived, could tear apart. Only faith, fancy, poetry, love, romance can push aside that curtain and view the supernal beauty and glory beyond. Is it all real? Ah, Virginia, in all this world there is nothing else real and abiding. No Santa Claus! Thank God! he lives, and he lives forever. A thousand years from now, nay, ten times ten thousand years from now, he will continue to make glad the heart of childhood.

Our very own Cindy Lou Hoo...Welcome Christmas!

The first picture is Steve with his siblings on Christmas morning...and my then my favorite picture of our dining room with our tree...followed by Miss Nora with her stunning pony tail!! She reminded me so much of Little Cindy Lou Hoo from The Grinch...
I will probably be posting a few pictures of what our tree will look like after Nora discovers it!! This year will be the year of plastic ornaments:)

Thanksgiving Blessings.

This morning I wanted to post some of my favorite pictures of my family...they just seem to capture the love that I feel for them and the reasons why I am so thankful for them, everyday. Most of the pics are from years ago but the love that I feel when I look at them never fades. Happy Thanksgiving~
Xo
Kelly

Sweet Smile:)

Today Nora turned 14 months old...she is beginning to take more steps on a daily basis but still prefers crawling and the latest, CLIMBING!! I am not sure how we are going to manage the climbing...it scares me. We will be visiting my sister and her family for Thanksgiving, Nora's first over night trip...I think I am bringing more baby equipment for "damage control" ...the best part is that there will be a ton of cousins to keep an eye on Nora! 4 dogs, 9 kids, should be interesting!! Cannot wait to be together....

K

The Tough Stuff

So, I have debated whether or not I wanted to share these thoughts publicly on this blog...I decided I would for several reasons...because it's important for me to remember and it might help another adoptive parent...This past week "it" finally became real for me, "it" is hard to describe in words really, hard to explain unless you have been there as a parent. I finally felt the feeling I have been waiting to feel through out this entire journey to Nora, "it" finally felt real and genuine. Nora has been with us for three months and these months have been filled with sleepless nights, crazy schedules, celebrations, dr.'s appts. and of course the everyday obligations of real life, the obligations that don't stop just because you have a new baby in your house. I think for three months I was just in survival mode, on automatic pilot, trying to keep my house together, trying to still be a mom to four kids and a wife, friend, daughter and somewhere in the chaos I was trying to feel what I wanted to feel for our newly adopted child...I wanted to feel like I was Nora's mom and not just a care giver or a babysitter...other adoptive moms told me that the day would come and "it" would just feel right, the feeling would wash over you and you would know that you were exactly where you were meant to be with this child, the love that you were waiting to feel would become real...I have to admit I had my doubts...but something has changed over the past two weeks for me and I think for Nora as well.

Nora has shown me what I think and know in my heart is true, genuine love...and in return I have been able to give that back to her. The day she was placed in my arms I knew that I loved her but I wasn't "there yet" fully and completely, I cared for all of her needs, physically, but I wasn't so sure if emotionally I was touching her heart, or she was touching mine...the love was there but it was different than with my bio children, not less, just different...and this is the part that I struggled with for so long..why does it feel different and will it ever feel the same?? Well, I am not sure if it will ever feel the same, but then again I love all of my children equally, just differently...they each bring something unique to my heart, they each fill a space up fully and completley but in different ways...and that is how I have come to the realization that "it" has become real for me with Nora...I love her fully and wholly, as much as I love my three older children and I know that this feeling will continue to grow even stronger as Nora is with us longer...in reality it has only been THREE months, so much has happened in her life that to expect her to love me back wiht her whole heart is not fair...she will get there someday just as I will get there, we will walk this road together...and isn't that what we do with all the loved ones in our life? We promise to be there no matter what...she has lost so much already in her short lifetime but her determination and courage is what keeps me going in my everyday life as a mom, I am so glad she waited patiently for me to show her the kind of love my heart was waiting to share with her...

I love you Nora with all of my heart...thank you for letting me in.

K

I can hear the bells...

Today Emma auditioned for her school's spring musical, "Hairspray." The musicals in middle school are a big deal here...there is alot of history of some pretty amazing shows, set designs, costumes, and just really talented kids...Emma is in 8th grade and would probably turn purple if she ever read this..but I was so proud of her today. Emma sang "I Can Hear the Bells" a song from the show and it was not an easy song...I promised her I would not sit in the auditorium like a stage mom and hover but I couldn't help myself, I actually ended up standing outside the door and peaking in after she gave me one too many dirty looks...and I had Nora who was loving the sound of her own voice.!!

I know how nerve wracking it can be to audition and at 13 it is even harder but I was so amazed at how supportive all of her friends were, cheering and clapping for everyone, even kids they probably didn't know that well...and that is what I love about theater, it is just a great bunch of kids supporting one another...I hope that she lands a part, doesn't matter what role, just to be involved with something that gives her self confidence and a chance to form lasting friendships.

Watching Emma audition brought back so many memoriesof when I used to do musical theater and I realized how much I missed it when I was crossing my fingers for her and mouthing the words to the song, she sounded like an angel to me singing on that stage..so sweet and innocent...and just so Emma...Good for you Emma, no matter what, you won today.

I am so proud of you.

Mom

A Beautiful Day for a Baptism...

Today we baptised our daughter Nora...our dear friends were her Godparents...Nora was very "vocal" in church but the Deacon was so wonderful and loved interacting with Nora. She introduced herself to him by pulling off his eyeglasses!

It was a very special ceremony surrounded by family and friends...the best part was watching Nora splash in the baptismal font, this was much easier to do with newborns but not half as much fun ( according to the Deacon, what an understanding man:)

We invited everyone back to our home, unfortunately Nora was so tired she missed her delicious carrot cake but she woke up after all of the guest left and asked for a piece as soon as she woke up.

November is a time of Thanksgiving and we are so thankful for all of our blessings.

Love
Kelly

Nora in her Notre Dame Cheerleading outfit!

Seriously Dad????

She will keep you young...

or just remind you that you aren't as young as you used to be!! I have started to go to a play group/toddler time at our library so Nora can socialize with other babies her age...she has only been around our immediate family and older children since she came home so it's important that she get that baby time. Well, let's just say that this will be a work in progress..for both of us. Nora is very social, her face lights up when she sees other little ones but I feel like I am always on guard with her, never quite sure when she might reach out and grab an ear, or hair or poke a nose..we are working on play date manners I promise.

Returning to the library after so many years of being away has been interesting. I am, by my observations, the oldest mom in the group. It is a totally different experience for me this time around. I look at all the younger moms, most of them with their first child and it is almost impossible for me to remember what that world was like...when you had time to blow dry your hair, put on your best skinny jeans and stylish black boots and off you go. I wondered if any of them would notice that I most likely had some form of dry cereal or goop on my sweater b/c mornings are just chaos in our house, no time to do the quick check in the mirror before I leave the house. Although I secretly coveted one mom's great boots and wished I had a pair I am so happy to be where I am in my life right now...being a mom again at 41 with a baby has given me a totally different outlook on so many things. I try not to sweat the small stuff, the key word is TRY..when Nora was putting a million different toys in her mouth or pulling all the DVD's off of the shelf I just calmly put them back and I stopped telling her to just "pretend" it's a cup and not put it in her mouth...kids get sick, germs are everywhere, that is life. At one point I had several moms ask me lots of questions about Nora or what schools my older children went to, advice on preschools etc and it was like I was holding court...and I thought at one time in my life I was where these young moms are now, just trying to figure it all out, and there were moms before me that gave me a hand up and helped me out when I had no idea where to go for preschool or how to even get started...so, although I envy how much easier the younger moms got out of the little chairs compared to the way I did, I was thankful that maybe in some small way my experiences as a mom maybe helped just one mom out today...I will go back to the play group again because it's important for Nora and in some ways it's important for me too because there are many facets to my life, my oldest is 13 and my youngest is 13 months...I have many more years of sitting in the little chairs at the library watching Nora play and become her own little person. Looking back I guess that's how I became more comfortable in my own skin as well, by watching and observing and participating in life, in being a mom...I am so thankful for the gifts my children have given me that have shaped the kind of mom I am today.

K

Gratitude.

So grateful for Emma last night...I was having a rough day, not feeling great and just plain worn out. Nora was not giving into going to sleep last night, not sure what was going on with her but Nora and her crib were just not going to happen. I walked upstairs to get her and Emma was coming out of her room carrying Nora, "it's okay Mom, we are just going to chill in my room for a bit, I got her." At that point I looked at Emma and realized that she really had formed an amazing bond with Nora in just two short months, she was the big sister that I knew she would turn out to be, even if Emma didn't know it herself...

After 45 minutes or so I looked in on them and the lights were off, Nora was trying her hardest to stay awake in Emma's bed but she was losing the battle...Emma looked up at me and said, "it was all me Mom, I got her to fall asleep tonight..."

Yes, it was all you Emma, and that is what I love about you.

K

Halloween past...

So, this year I am feeling really guilty...I have not put out one Halloween decoration and it's a week away! I am blaming most of this on just how busy our lives our but honestly, I just could't get myself to take it all down and then deal with Nora dragging it all over the house...I know, Pathetic. I love to decorate for Christmas and I am already thinking how that is going to play itself out this year with Nora!! I think my Kids Kitchen tree is going to have to stay in the attic this year...since we dont' have costumes planned out yet this year (I told them all they had to make their own..i.e. not spending 100 dollars on bought costumes!) I thought I would post some pics from previous Halloweens, when they were really cute and I could TELL them what they were going to be!!

I did buy Nora's this year...but she deserves one great costume right?? and yes, the clown is my husband.

Happy Halloween!!

Nora at 13 months...

Today Nora turned 13 months old..it is amazing how quickly time is flying and somedays I cannot believe this is the same baby we brought home in August...I have always felt that Fall instead of Spring was a new beginning..and Nora is just more proof that our lives became "new" once again when she joined our family. All of my children are born in September and October, more reason to feel a sense of beginning, not only for them but for me as well.

Happy 13 Months Nora.

We love you so much

K

Nora and her brothers~

I love watching how differently all three of our older children interact with Nora...they each have their own style. Emma is a perfect big sister, always watching over her and being silly and empathetic. Owen is forever the watchful big brother, the first to pick her up and give her a hug or carry her around making her giggle...and Declan, well, he goes in for the football tackle, but she loves it. Emma is missing from the pics today because she has a very demanding social life!

K