So, I have debated whether or not I wanted to share these thoughts publicly on this blog...I decided I would for several reasons...because it's important for me to remember and it might help another adoptive parent...This past week "it" finally became real for me, "it" is hard to describe in words really, hard to explain unless you have been there as a parent. I finally felt the feeling I have been waiting to feel through out this entire journey to Nora, "it" finally felt real and genuine. Nora has been with us for three months and these months have been filled with sleepless nights, crazy schedules, celebrations, dr.'s appts. and of course the everyday obligations of real life, the obligations that don't stop just because you have a new baby in your house. I think for three months I was just in survival mode, on automatic pilot, trying to keep my house together, trying to still be a mom to four kids and a wife, friend, daughter and somewhere in the chaos I was trying to feel what I wanted to feel for our newly adopted child...I wanted to feel like I was Nora's mom and not just a care giver or a babysitter...other adoptive moms told me that the day would come and "it" would just feel right, the feeling would wash over you and you would know that you were exactly where you were meant to be with this child, the love that you were waiting to feel would become real...I have to admit I had my doubts...but something has changed over the past two weeks for me and I think for Nora as well.
Nora has shown me what I think and know in my heart is true, genuine love...and in return I have been able to give that back to her. The day she was placed in my arms I knew that I loved her but I wasn't "there yet" fully and completely, I cared for all of her needs, physically, but I wasn't so sure if emotionally I was touching her heart, or she was touching mine...the love was there but it was different than with my bio children, not less, just different...and this is the part that I struggled with for so long..why does it feel different and will it ever feel the same?? Well, I am not sure if it will ever feel the same, but then again I love all of my children equally, just differently...they each bring something unique to my heart, they each fill a space up fully and completley but in different ways...and that is how I have come to the realization that "it" has become real for me with Nora...I love her fully and wholly, as much as I love my three older children and I know that this feeling will continue to grow even stronger as Nora is with us longer...in reality it has only been THREE months, so much has happened in her life that to expect her to love me back wiht her whole heart is not fair...she will get there someday just as I will get there, we will walk this road together...and isn't that what we do with all the loved ones in our life? We promise to be there no matter what...she has lost so much already in her short lifetime but her determination and courage is what keeps me going in my everyday life as a mom, I am so glad she waited patiently for me to show her the kind of love my heart was waiting to share with her...
I love you Nora with all of my heart...thank you for letting me in.
K
Seoul Time
